Aug 22, 2008

Keeping up disappearances

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

You know that feeling you get when you're sitting in a restaurant, actively trying to grab the waiter's attention, but he blithely saunters right past, as if you're not even there? This despite the fact that you've been making the universal, "Hey, over here" sign by tilting your head down slightly, raising your eyebrows and waving in his direction? It's enough to make you wonder to yourself, "What am I, invisible?"

Of course, you don't really believe you're invisible - unless, that is, one of the scraggly-looking, tie dye-wearing cooks in the kitchen mistakenly mixed a little of his personal stash into your mushroom omelet. In that case, it's a good thing you are invisible, what with all the giant, fire-breathing bats flying all over the room.

I bring up the subject of invisibility because, according to recent news reports, scientists are in the process of developing technologies that may one day help people render themselves invisible, and not just to restaurant wait staff. According to the story I read, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, claim they have been able to effectively "cloak" three-dimensional objects by strategically redirecting light around the object. Previously, according to the UC-Berkeley scientists, they had only been able to use the technique to render invisible very thin two-dimensional objects (which may explain why we've heard so little from Calista Flockhart lately).

Until now, the subject of invisibility has primarily been the domain of science fiction writers. Of course we're all familiar with "The Invisible Man," the classic black-and-white film in which the title character, after experiencing a mishap in the lab, bandages himself from head to toe and spends the rest of the movie desperately trying to convince people that he's not actually The Mummy wearing a suit and sunglasses. More recently Harry Potter, since reaching the teen years, has made frequent use of his "invisibility cloak," particularly on those occasions when the young wizard needed a handy method for concealing his, um, enthusiasm, for the rapidly developing Hermione.

Speaking of adolescent males, it's likely that no other single group has spent more time pondering the potential benefits of the power of invisibility. Naturally, teenage boys would only use this power for good - specifically, to walk into the girls' locker room unobserved and get a good look. And of course, based on the theory that it's impossible to do much good with an empty wallet, next they imagine heading to the bank to waltz in and grab as much money as a teenage boy's invisible baggy pants can hold. I don't think it ever occurred to me - I mean, to this theoretical adolescent boy - that wads of cash floating out of the bank on their own might arouse suspicion. So maybe it's just as well that this technology remains a few years off yet.

No doubt the military is also watching the developments at Berkeley with more than a little interest, imagining all the ways the power of invisibility could have helped during previous conflicts. Right now at the Pentagon there are probably teams of high-level military men poring over the Berkeley researchers' results and discussing how during the Cold War, just one American soldier, using an invisibility cloak, could have stolen behind Soviet lines into Moscow and, without anyone becoming aware of his presence, snuck into a Russian women's locker room. My only fear is that if this technology ever does come online, we'll hear an immediate clamor among young male soldiers to declare war on Sweden.

Eventually, it's possible that invisibility cloaks will become available to the public. Naturally, at first only the super-rich will be able to afford them. I like to imagine the scene at those very first haute couture fashion shows with the announcers describing in their usual high-blown language the models striding up and down the runways in Versace's exciting new line of invisibility attire. As photographers crowd around and flashbulbs pop, video images are beamed around the world of what appears to be ... an empty catwalk. And if you think that this scenario is too preposterous to ever happen, then you don't know much about the world of high fashion.

But eventually the prices will drop and nearly everyone will be able to drape themselves in invisibility as well. That is, assuming you don't get burned by some cheap Chinese knockoff. Imagine the embarrassment of showing up at that smart cocktail party hoping to show off your fresh new invisibility duds only to find that you are merely, say, transparent.

All this is, of course, speculation, and even the UC-Berkeley scientists admit that true invisibility technology may not become a reality for decades, if ever. Still, I'm happy to report that the research itself is already showing benefits. Why, just since this story came out, we've already seen a skyrocketing enrollment in science classes among adolescent boys.

Malcolm Fleschner wants to know how you would help the world or, more likely, yourself with the power of invisibility at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.