Aug 15, 2008

I'm not knocking superstition

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

Do you consider yourself a good driver? Of course you do; me too. In fact, you and I are far from alone - surveys indicate that 90 percent of Americans describe themselves as "above average" drivers. Clearly, many of us have wisely dedicated ourselves to developing excellent driving skills, even if it has come at the expense of lesser pursuits. Like, say, studying basic math concepts.

Looking around, however, one might reasonably wonder just where all these "above average" drivers are. In the same surveys, Americans typically report that the vast majority of other drivers on the road are "A bunch of morons - I mean, just look at this guy in the blue Nissan. 'Hey, Buddy, if you'd quit picking your freakin' nose for a second, maybe you could pick a lane!'"

But if we need an impartial method for judging just how good a driver someone is, I can think of no better benchmark than how many accidents that person has been in. This strikes me as the most effective assessment for a number of reasons, most of which boil down to the fact that I, personally, have never had an accident. Or, more precisely, I've never been behind the wheel during an accident (I take no responsibility for how others drive while I'm in the car, despite the steady stream of helpful tips I offer from the backseat).

Just to be clear, my unblemished record is not the result of religiously following all those namby-pamby "rules of the road," like obeying posted speed limits, keeping two hands on the wheel at all times, never going through an intersection in reverse, etc. No, I learned to drive on the maniacal streets of Boston, a place where "considerate driving" means never cutting off a school bus, fire truck or funeral procession unless you have a really good reason, such as that you are in a hurry. Boston drivers rarely have to replace their brakes, but area automobile clubs do recommend that car horns be checked for excessive wear every 3,000 miles.

So, I have reason to be proud of my accident-free record, which is why I'm not shy about mentioning this fact in conversation, but of course only when the subject comes up organically:

"You got into a car accident yesterday? That's too bad. You know, I've never been in an accident myself."

"The Accidental Tourist? Sure, I've seen that movie. And speaking of accidents, did you know that I've never been in one?"

"You were chopping wood and got a chip in one of your tools? That's a shame. But as long as we're on the subject of axe dents ..."

My wife, however, would rather I kept talk of my unblemished driving record to myself, and not only because she's heard it a thousand times and thinks that bringing it up so often makes me sound like "an unmitigated ass." Mostly it's that she's superstitious, which is why whenever I mention that I've never been in an accident she demands that I "knock wood."

I admit I used to give my wife a hard time for being so superstitious, but now I'm beginning to rethink my position. For one thing, she's got the evidence on her side - since adopting her wood knocking policy, I remain 100 percent accident-free (knock).

But she's also helped me realize that being superstitious gives you a plausible defense for doing things that make no logical sense, like refusing to fly on Friday the 13th or avoiding stepping on cracks in the sidewalk. By just saying "I'm sorry, but I'm superstitious about that," you can often get away with all kinds of selfish or borderline antisocial behavior, such as insisting on riding shotgun, refusing to lend a neighbor your power drill or demanding to eat bites of food off other people's plates.

Well, consider me sold. After giving the matter some thought, I've come up with the following short list of new superstitions I'm planning on adopting:

- I always have to eat the last slice of pizza (also, the last cookie, scoop of ice cream, piece of cake, etc.)

- In an airplane seat, I get to use the armrests on both sides for as long as I want

- Whenever people start telling me stories about their pets, I have to set off an air horn until they stop

- I always get first crack at the morning newspaper, including the crossword and sudoku

- I can't purchase magazine subscriptions, knife sets, religious beliefs or anything else that someone comes to my door trying to sell

Of course this list is far from complete. I figure that if I can come up with enough other beneficial superstitions to add to my list, I should be able to live a much more relaxing, hassle-free life. I mean, you know, knock wood.


E-mail Malcolm at Malcolm@Culture Shlock.com if you managed to read this column without singing at least a few bars of Stevie Wonder's "Superstition" to yourself.