Jul 25, 2008

A newfound sense of self-promotion

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

It's no secret that in today's down housing market, homeowners face a real struggle finding qualified buyers. This explains why so many "House For Sale" yard signs are frequently being replaced by signs reading "House For Sale - Price Reduced," "House For Sale - Price Reduced Even More" and, eventually, "Will Trade House For Food."

Faced with such tough selling prospects, it's no surprise that homeowners are increasingly turning to so-called "creative" approaches to unloading their homes, such as conducting a lottery in which the lucky holder of a $100 ticket can win the house, offering "buying incentives" like a year of lawn care, or torching the house to the ground for the insurance money.

Here in the newspaper business, we're not faring much better, with subscription rates nationwide dropping faster than elderly lawyers at the annual Dick Cheney Invitational turkey shoot. According to recent surveys, consumers today rate television, the Internet and radio as their three top sources of information, with newspapers falling to a distant 12th, barely beating out "Reading goat entrails" and "The voices in my head."

Clearly, if those of us who make our living in the newspaper business hope to survive in this environment, we're going to have to generate our own new ideas instead of relying on tired old jokes about our trigger-happy vice president. As my editor likes to remind me, "No feature in the paper is irreplaceable. Except for the Sudoku puzzle, of course."

Having given the matter a great deal of thought during a TV commercial break, I've come up with the following "creative" promotional ideas that will no doubt draw a great deal of attention to my column, if only from the authorities:

1. A shill in the air
Subtle product placement has become commonplace on TV and in film, but has yet to be explored in the newspaper column format. Unfortunately, in the journalism business we hold ourselves to a higher ethical standard than television or the movies, a topic I was discussing recently with my editor over a delicious but surprisingly affordable meal at a local Subway Restaurant, washed down with a refreshing Dr. Pepper. Subway: Eat Fresh!

2. Let's get real
Nowadays there is no activity or profession too mundane that some network won't build a reality TV show around it. Surf the dial long enough and you'll stumble upon reality shows dedicated to competitive dog grooming, life as a Macy's Department Store employee and even a show where contestants compete for the privilege of working for - get this - Donald Trump (Really! That's what the winner gets! What does the loser get - syphilis?). It's only a matter of time before we see the first meta-reality TV show in which contestants compete to come up with the best new concept for a reality TV show.

So the time is obviously ripe for a reality show about the day-to-day life of a professional humor columnist. Audiences will no doubt thrill to watch my amazing real-life adventures chronicled in episodes like "Malcolm's neighbor Phil begs to be written about in Malcolm's column," "Malcolm finally agrees to write a column about his neighbor Phil" and "Malcolm's neighbor Phil sues Malcolm for libel."

3. Feud for thought
Whether it's rappers trading rhymes and gunfire over which coast is more liveable, teenage starlets competing to see who can make a more embarrassing spectacle of herself or Tom Cruise taking on Brooke Shields and the powerful post-partum depression lobby, a high-profile feud is always a good publicity generator. Could a feud between two humorists capture the public's attention in a similar manner? I can't say for sure. But what I can say is that Andy Rooney is a crusty old windbag with a festering overgrowth of eyebrow hairs that, without significant pruning, may soon threaten even his hangdog jowls as the curmudgeonly commentator's most prominent facial feature. Your thoughts, Andy?

4. Straight to video
In today's Hollywood you're not anybody unless you've got a regular table at The Ivy, a swarm of paparazzi dogging your every move, Barack Obama's cell number on speed dial and a home sex tape circulating on the Internet. In an effort to follow in the, um, footsteps of sex tape pioneers like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton and Rob Lowe, I recently prepared my own tape for release. I reconsidered, however, when a colleague pointed out to me that, for a celebrity sex tape to catch the public's attention, the tape usually depicts: a) a celebrity; and b) more than one person.

These ideas are, of course, just the beginning. I'm already formulating dozens more, including hiring a guy to follow me around and wave and point at me with one of those signs with an arrow on it, giving birth to septuplets and - this was my editor's idea - converting my column into one big Sudoku puzzle.


Have the voices in your head come up with any other good promotional ideas for Malcolm? Let him know at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.